i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
