dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize