just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
