somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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