community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
