Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
