so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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