I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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