do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
