you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize