the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
