Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
two words: eviction party
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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