life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
