we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Who died my cat blue again?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
