I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
