she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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