I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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