My friends, they love my intelligence
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
