I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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