So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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