My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize