ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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