Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
