i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
