and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
