I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
