you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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