You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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