If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
