last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
