do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Alive.
So much puke
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
