genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
