Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
