If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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