Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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