It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
