Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
