I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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