No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
