Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
