This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
