Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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