I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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