Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
