Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Randomize