this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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