Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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