I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
