I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
