just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
