Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
