You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
