Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
