I am in a vortex of obligation.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
