my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
