I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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