In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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