I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
