And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
don't judge my taste in strippers
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
