Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
