It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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