my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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